"When the dead are done with the living, " Franny said to me,
"the living can go on to other things."
"What about the dead?" I asked. "Where do we go?"
She wouldn't answer me.

the lovely bones, alice sebold.

I've not suddenly become mildly obsessed with death or something, just really liked this paragraph.

It's good to be home.

I HAVE BEEN DISCHARGED.

Omg I cannot convey my happiness, so bloody ecstatic. After 6 days of hell in tan tock seng, I'm finally out of the place. Never ever want to stay in a ward ever again. Phew. Let me elaborate in whine-form:

1) Was suffering in discomfort the whole time, I hate the very thick pillows on the bed which are as hard as rock (PILLOWS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FLUFFY!) and my head slipped off them half the time. Those stupid pillows gave me headaches and neckaches. And the fact that I can't really walk well makes getting out of bed a tad difficult, so essentially I felt like I was chained to the bed the whole time.

2) All those sleepless nights were also due to the constant waking up at 2am to take medicine - last night I experienced that surreal subconscious state just when you're about to drift off to sleep (usually after staring wide-eyed at the ceiling for hours you suddenly blank and poof!) but this time I really felt my eyes beginning to shut and my mind swirling, AND JUST AT THIS MOMENT WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO FALL INTO DEEP SLEEP-
(someone taps me)

"Girl, take your antibiotics now, okay?"

Grrr. And I couldn't sleep for another one hour.

2) This may put off many people- this poor old lady in my ward who couldn't walk had to excrete (I'm trying to sound not crude here) literally in her bed (she used some device called a bedpan) Okay I can't bear to say more but since my bed was just beside hers, and the fact that I was confined there too, I had to endure half an hour in air-con (I repeat, AIR CON = rapid diffusion of smell) with noxious fumes lingering that nearly killed me. The smell was really, UNTOLERABLE. I had to stuff tissues in my nose.

3) No cable = no life. Yes my whole life revolves on cable and channel 5, 8 is so not appealing. Luckily internet on the third day saved me from impending boredom. And gossip girl/criminal minds on portable dvd was my solace.

4) I will puke my guts out if I ever I have to eat fish again (which I do actually, for two weeks for nutrient intake) and I literally ate fish for three meals everyday, until I resorted to eating wholemeal bread for some release.

but the nurses were incredibly, incredibly nice, some of them were really so sweet and caring that it really inspired me. Who knows? I might become a nurse someday.

I MISS EVERYONE LIKE CRAZY!
It sucks that my social life will have to disintegrate into scraps of crap since I have to stay at home to recuperate, but I'm guess I can no longer ignore the very conspicuous pile of homework on my tabe (which I keep casting furtive glances at but have absolutely no mood to start on) HOW THE HECK AM I GOING TO FINISH AMATH TYS?! I haven't even started on any chapter. But I guess I have to.
And I know not many people are very aware of the magnitude of the op, just to ensure nobody gets the shock of their life when they see me in school- I really look bad. really. I'll elaborate on this another time. Till then! Can't spend too much time on the net because I get disorinetated/giddy after long periods of time, cos my face's so inbalanced right now.

I hate the hospital.

Hello everyone!

Still in hospital and am using my dad's laptop for the time being. I can finally walk though there's still a sharp pain in my thigh where they took the muscle out, and my face's as swollen as a balloon. It's painful but I'm gonna be discharged soon!(: Life's been crap the first few days (very groggy and dizzy, sorry for not replying everyone's smses) but just to let everyone know I've replied all the really nice tags on my tagboard.

A really big thank you to crystle, rebecca, theresa, rasee, kim lee, isa, manda, beth, saiybah, den, hanisa, vicky, nat, victoria, sophie, emmanuelle, tat, rachel, athena, jerry, jasmine, jie shi and I hope I didn't miss anyone out but yes I love all you guys! Sorry if I left any names out but I just hope you guys know how much it means to me.

Cya soon(:

Okay so just to inform everyone, my operation's tomorrow morning.
Basically it's a muscle transplant, they're gonna take a muscle from my thigh and insert it into the left side of my face. I already had the nerve transplant last year, but without a muscle a nerve can't work, so yes gotta go for this op. This time's gonna be quite major, might have to stay in hospital for a few days, and the rest of the year will be spent recuperating at home. Won't be able to walk for some time, and it'll take approximately a year at the most for my whole face to swell down. My left side will be swollen due to the muscle transplanted, it'll take many months for it to shrink.

I don't really know how I feel right now, scared; anxious; nervous. Maybe it's a combination of all these emotions, but criminal minds for the past fifteen hours on the net has kept my mind occupied from thinking about the op. Truth is, I'm afraid of so many things - the final moments before the surgery are indeed always the most nerve-wracking ones, I hope I'll manage to remain calm and composed like last year which wasn't too bad. But I guess this time isn't really the same.

I'm afraid that what I'll look like after I recover fully won't meet my expectations. I can't expect for a totally perfect face, the only thing the op's gonna do is make my smile more symmetrical; when the right side moves the left side will automatically move too, but I don't know. I'm afraid I still won't be happy.

But regardless, I want to thank everyone for their utmost concern and well-wishes, they mean the world to me, they really do. Thank you all so, so much. (: I keep crying whenever I think of everyone's concern. Love you all.

I know everyone accepts me for who I am, regardless of how I look, but I need to learn to accept myself first. And I've never been able to do that. So hopefully the op will be for the better. I guess Bell's Palsy isn't a big deal compared to other people. There are tons more people out there who are so much less fortunate than me , and I know I should be so thankful for what I already have. But sometimes it just takes a toll on me. Maybe not many people know this, but I have a huge inferiority complex, I just don't show it. I try to be friendly to everyone, but the truth is, on meeting new people, I'm always so afraid they'll judge me before they even get to know me. First impressions are always important. The only thing I have left is personality.

I don't know why I just bared half my soul in this very public blog, but yeah maybe it's pre op nerves. I feel a little better now actually! Hahaha. Got the entire season two of gossip girl to entertain me during my hospital stay, borrowed my neighbour's portable dvd player, YAY! I'll probably die without criminal minds and the internet (OH GOODNESS FACEBOOK!) but I just bought The Lovely Bones, and I'm really looking forward to reading that book. Can't wait to catch the movie, the trailer looks amazing.

The nerves will probably come back to haunt me later. Looks like it's gonna be a sleepless night.

(: Bye guys, cya soon.

Gonna button my lip so the truth don't slip

I'M BACK!

Very short trip to KL, but it was still tons of fun - catching up with tk, rob and douglas, miss those idiots. Played with baby emma carolina, isn't her name just beautiful? And yes I'm an auntie! Finally another girl in the family, me and cousin Lilian won't have to be the only two out of seven boys. I never liked babies but Emma's just so cute and chubby that I'll make her the exception. Cousin Peng Swee's wedding was a whirlwind, me and doug were the ushers but failed miserably at directing guests to their tables, apparently everyone knew how to find their way which made our jobs pretty useless. The wedding was really lavish -the entire ballroom was decorated so elaborately that I became all swaku and was in awe of everything. Played truth or dare with tk at the table, bloody hilarious, heard 2/3 of an R-rated joke from my uncle, I have to turn 18 until I can hear the last part, found out my other 25-year-old uncle has incredibly amazing movie knowledge, he posed some very difficult questions that stumped me! Caught 500 days of summer in the hotel (AGAIN), I still love it it just posseses this understated charm, it's so unpretentious and it really shows love for what it really is. I caught Hannah Montana the movie too! But it was quite cheesy/stupid/kiddy and was a COMPLETE letdown. I can't believe I was so desperate to watch it.

Yes this post may be very confusing because it's so brief but whatever.

Btw.

thank you jas, jerry, jie shi, athena and gay for the card!
thank you guys I love you all! (:

If you all ever see this, I just want to let all of you know how much I appreciate it. You have no idea how much it meant to me. I was so touched that when I read the card, I started crying. Haha yes I'm so dramatic and emotional. But really! Miss you guys like fjdksjfkdajfdlkjfkdsjfksjdfkjskfskdfjdskjfs. When I'm all okay we'll go on a bridge marathon okay!(:

You guys are the bestest festest. Love you all<3

Another freefall.

The Blue Mansion was WICKED.
I proclaim it and Coraline the two best movies I've seen so far in the entire year.
Who knew local productions could actually be competent?
Manda and I sneaked into it yesterday, bought tickets for Astro Boy (thank goodness we weren't stuck watching that) then creeped into the other hall.
The Blue Mansion's really artsy and theatrical, the set design was stunning! It was definitely something different from the normal mainstream movies. The whole cluedo who-dun-it scenario was engaging, yet there was a lot of comic relief and I must say, Adrian Pang and the rest of the cast did a great job. It's a pity it wasn't publicised widely, not many people pay attention to local productions (besides those ridiculous Jack Neo ones), I'm so glad I caught it.

Singapore Idol after that was actually, super cool. Waited for so bloody long before we could enter the studio, but my initial reluctance and constant grumbles sooned turned into fascination and wide-eyed stares when I entered the studio. I get starstruck really easily, even in front of the lamest so-called celebrities, basically I get super excited whenever I see any figure from the media. So there I was, literally gawking at the three judges as they took their seats, and the best part was that me and manda were right at the front in the mosh pit, so we had an amazing view of everything. It's really super cool to be there LIVE, you get to see how the whole show is run, during the ads the whole audience is like, lackadaisical and weary, but as soon as the cameras begin to roll - "we're going LIVE in one minute everyone! Now I want all you guys to scream and bring the house down"; the tv man quickly begins fingering the "3, 2, 1" signal, and boom, everyone perks up and flings their hands wildy in the air, animatedly waving at the camera the second it falls on them. When a few minutes ago we were actually all a bunch of pretty liveless corspes.

All for show.

Sent Nat off at the airport with vic today, I'm really gonna miss her oh man. Doctor's appointment later, then after a huge thunderstorm erupted, rain was pouring down, like a billion fountains all over the world spewing out water simultaneously, it was so heavy I seriously thought it would never subside. The whole void deck was flooded. Mrteed to Vivo when the rain wasn't too bad, met tat and gave her her belated birthday present! I'm so glad she likes it.

Going off to KL tomorrow to attend my cousin's wedding, will be back on sunday!
Till then this blog will be dead.

I AM SO OBSESSED WITH CRIMINAL MINDS.

MOST AWESOME SHOW EVER CREATED.

Been watching the dvd diligently every night.

The whole team is soooooooooo freaking awesome. I don't know any other word to describe how awesome it is.

Spencer Reid <3

Goodbye, CSI.

Vivocity.

Other pics on facebooooooook.

Yesterday's weather was gorgeous, swirling clouds enveloping grey sky, and then a slight drizzle. Just beautiful. I really love going to the beach or outdoors in such weather, it's strange because people usually yearn for a sunny blue day but I'm different. I just really enjoy gloomy miserable weather, perfect for pensiveness, and on contrary, it makes me feel so happy. Love Happens with tessa and vic, movie wasn't that great, honestly I don't get why they even call it Love Happens, because 70% involved other crap while 30% was the love occurrence. Went to the rooftop and waded in the pool, (can you believe I have never been there before?) had so much fun there. Tried doing very unsuccessful model poses, ended up looking like idiots.

Met Nat at Bedok Interchange today to pass her present to her! Had to rush through her card because I was late, bathed in a record time of three minutes and rushed out of the house looking a real sight, with tangled hair and my shirt not pulled down properly, whilst trying to balance a huge box with my wallet on top. Finally gave her her present, really glad that she liked it. Taking a break today, not going out. I am very tired. I seem to be tired everyday! Today's activity will consist of snuggling comfortably on my couch watching Criminal Minds and going for tuition at night. Then tomorrow is gonna be a hell of a day, gonna go to school in the morning for guides to help the juniors, then afternoon outing with amanda and singapore idol at night. Woahhhhh.

And I know that we can be so amazing;

I've suddenly come down with a terrible bout of wheezing, and the doctor says it might be short-term asthma (I do have a history of it) or just an infection. Mom got all afraid because my op would have to be postponed if I don't recover, but hopefully I do or else I'll just cry. So I can't eat yoghurt (I'm really suffering without it), citrus fruits or bascially all the things I love to eat. I can't even drink milo.

Coraline with treeza and ange yesterday, best movie I've seen in the entire year. Saw a 3D movie for the first time since Spy kids 3 (oh goodness) and it was exponentially cool, whatwith everything popping out and stuff. Surprisingly Coraline wasn't that scary, even though I clutched treeza's hand at one part. It's rather disturbing but I love love love it. Such an incredibly good movie.

Went to orchard for the third time this week. Cathay, Wisma, had dinner at Macs then home. Went to Yoshinoya today for lunch, SAW YITING(: Love it. Parkway is becoming more hip (not really my kind of hip but I can't seem to find another word to describe it) by the minute. Hang Ten took over Cbase, and Valerie over Cotton On Body! Though Valerie looks seriously out of place.

Loving the weather nowadays. Breezy, cooling, rainy.

(:

I miss

We heart IKEA.

Yesterday:
Ikea with Isa and Crystle was so supercalifragilisticexpielidocious (yes the spelling's screwed) I had the funnest time. Went nuts at the cafe during lunch hour, swedish meatballs with cranberry sauce, clam chowder soup, spaghetti, potato salad, the best lunch I've had in a long time. Camwhored with random furniture and sauntered around, peered in all the fancy showrooms (I really want my house to be like that next time) Did the 500 days of summer Ikea roleplay thing with crystle, "Honey, the oven's broken!". Thank you isa for being our very tolerant photographer who had to put up with us camwhores. Incurred various stares from people, we were all so high. And thank you guys for helping me look for presents!
Pics are on fb.

Today:
Bugis, then Orchard with Crystle, present-hunting again. Walked until I wanted to collaspe, but I'm really glad because I've finally bought everyone's belated birthday presents! The day passed so fast - rushing all over the island, getting lost while navigating our way to Far east, oggling at food in Ion, getting pissed at bitchy shopkeepers and whatnot. Woah I am exhausted. Going out everyday is very taxing but I'm loving it.

drifting off into the candlelight.

it's over.

Other than a very close shave which almost gave me a heart attack before paper 1 began, everything went alright, not very well, but alright.

The close shave which I repeat, I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO EVER EXPERIENCE EVER AGAIN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE --------------
In the bloody morning at 7.45 am FIFTEEN MINUTES BEFORE THE PAPER BEGAN, as everyone began to troop solemnly into the hall (as though we were all awaiting our death, really) I realised that in my haste yesterday night, I grabbed the CONFIRMATION SLIP instead of the damn ENTRY PROOF and stuffed it into my bag. So imagine my absolute horror to find myself with no entry proof. My heart literally sank when Tat told me that the slip I had wasn't the entry proof. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, "oh god oh god why why why did this have to happen" ran through my mind simultaneously as so did "shit shit I can't take the exam I'm gonna have to be the only loser who doesn't take the o' level, oh shit my life is over" . The worst scariest I freaking swear moment ever. Had to run all the way down to the general office to photocopy my entry proof, before rushing back up to the hall, and unglamly brisk walking to my table which was all the way at the front of the hall. All out of breath, perspiring like crazy, my face flushed, but I was just in time for the paper. So the drama man.

I love sitting all the way up at front (despite having had to take the long walk down the aisle with a hundred pair of eyes fixated on me in the morning, "oh that latecomer!" ) Observing the invigilators collect and count the exam papers is somewhat intriguing, I like looking at them when they're all up on stage, with their backs facing everyone, all of them lined up, decked out in different outfits. I love seeing the way their fingers swiftly skim through the thick pile of scripts, the way they act so professionally yet who knows what they may be thinking, "I hope the girls do well, tkgians are awesome" . And I think it's really cool how some teachers don't look like teachers at all - there was the business woman wannabe, and the young one that looked like a caricature, like she just fell out of a japanese comic book with her school girlish skirt and preppy white shoes, and there was the stony faced one dressed casually in a plain tee and old faded grey jeans, like she was going to Starbucks. It really allowed me to kill time while waiting for dismissal.
Both papers were pretty tough! But I'm ecstatic now, really glad I'm finally free to do whatever I want.

After the exam, went to icc with rachel and shermaine, then caught my girlfriend is an agent at cathay. My first ever non-english speaking show at the cinema, I didn't even catch those stupid crass Jack Neo movies (I am strongly against all those brainless I Not Stupid ones) Anyway. The show was surprisingly really good! Bloody funny, laughed my socks off the whole time. One of those feel good light-hearted comedies that just puts a smile on your face. Korean is a fascinating language, I love the way korean just rolls off their tongues. I compare it to speaking animated french mixed with a somewhat oriental vibe. Weird comparison yes.
Then rachel and I went on a mad cheapo shopping spree at Daiso, nearly bought the entire shop. But due to shortage of cash and gradual developing guilt caused by impulsiveness, we decided to not be extravagant (my god, it's DAISO!) and managed to sacrifice various unnecessary items to ensure the survival of future shopping, lest we end up broke and sad.

Shopping at daiso = cheap thrills.

extended studies are over. GREAT.
Now just the mt o' levels and then liberation.
Feeling so effing scared now, maybe it's a bit of a stretch but I'm really hoping for an A1.
Okay I'm freaking out big time now shit shit shit it's bloody O's ON FREAKING TUESDAY.

Ms Yang's last day today.
It's a bit too much of a coincidence that she and ms ng are both leaving the school, but it's really sad.
I'm gonna miss them both.

Okay my social life's gonna maintain its inactivity until after tuesday, so until then this blog will be relatively dead.
Tuesday onwards - party like there's no tomorrow.

teenage dreams in a teenage circus

Talk about coincidences. Heard the same exact song played in Naive, that I still to this day have not found the title of, in Everything With Fries today! And I still couldn't catch any of the lyrics, this is so annoying. Anyway finally ate there for lunch with rach, tessa, nat and vic. I really like it, it's one of those obscure nondescript quaint cafes hidden in the heart of Katong, blended in with all the other shophouses. Love the relaxed chill ambience, the whole place has cool vibes, all the whitewashed walls with tiny witty simplistic letters painted in the most random areas. The food is pretty good, I swear caesar salad makes me want to eat salad for the rest of my life. Ordered a cupcake with a candle there for Nat, (they sell really great cupcakes and swiss rolls!) but she spoiled her birthday surprise by popping in when we were trying to light it.

Then bridged till the cows went home.

My very well spent day.